Week 6

Ranking Team Name



VooDoo Daddies

Bateson and his damn voodoo dolls did it again. During the offseason when many foolish owners were pouring over scouting reports and tapping in to the rumor mill, Bateson spent countless hours huddled in his basement studying and designing detailed voodoo dolls of every team in our fantasy league. So far his torture of these poor dolls has been successful, as he is undefeated. Although recently, Fran and Abby have become rather frightened of Dave's Sunday morning ritual. On gameday, Bateson sits in the corner of his basement giggling and rocking back and forth while he pokes needles into his weekly opponent's doll. This week the Johnnie Rats will fall victim to Bateson's torturous voodoo practice. Watch as Culpepper and Moss embarrass the Lion's secondary and the Daddies go to 5-0.


Super Mario All Stars

Kevin Roach's obsession with the old 8-bit NES has clearly not affected his fantasy performance as of late. Although, in last week's transactions, he confused commish Nemo a bit with his request:

Drop: Freddie Mitchell, Warrick Dunn
Acquire (order of preference): Don Flamenco of Mike Tyson's Punch Out, Cobra Triangle, Hogan's Alley, RBI Baseball, and Rob the Robot.

Nemo has since updated the rulebook to exclude Nintendo games, characters, and other cheesy NES accessories from being acquired through the waiver. At any rate, Roach should have a huge week. Look for Warner to destroy the Giants D and Ricky Williams to have a breakout week against a struggling Carolina team.


Mystery Machine

Poor Josh! He has the best fantasy offense in the league through 4 weeks, yet his team has fallen to .500 and appears to have fallen from the ranks of the elite. The thought here is that 3-Bean desperately needs to ditch Emmitt "Old Man" Smith and trade for a solid second RB. If Josh can pull off a deal like this, LOOK OUT! For now Josh should be able to right the ship against the Mnemonics this week. Watch for Griese and the Broncos to have a shootout in Seattle, while Lamar Smith has a monster week against a squandering Jets Defense.


Johnny's Mnemonics

"Manning is back baby!" Nemo has never uttered four sweeter words. The Mnemonics are coming off what may be their most humiliating loss of the season. While they desperately need to take charge and put another victory in the win column, they face a tough Mystery Machine team. Look for Manning to put up massive numbers against Oakland. Yet Ahman Green will only produce about 70 yards of total offense against a fierce Baltimore defense. The projection: the Mnemonics strike out worse than Brad Schwie in a Vegas strip club.



The Lennies have stolen the title previously owned by the Shock Doctors as "The team everyone loves to hate". I hate this team and you should too, now let me tell you why. Adam Marshall is a sleazy, corrupt owner, who operates his team with a defiance worse than a Washington Congressman. He conducts all negotiations with both hands under the table and a wicked half-cocked smile on his face. At the end of any negotiation, Marshall's antics will leave your stomach churning as you run for the bathroom. Let's all join hands and hate this team togetherÉ


Ghetto Blasters

The Marshall Faulk show continues to roll through Week 4 and there is no reason why the winning should stop here. The rest of Al's team does not matter because Faulk heads home to take on a sloppy NY Giants Defense. Watch for Faulk to gain 150 yards of total offense and at least 2 TDs as the Ghetto Blasters prance to victory like a freshly cut toy poodle.


D's Bitches

After suffering 2 consecutive losses, D's Sluts will manage to climb above .500 this week. The Bitches will be lead by a rested Edgerrin James who should put up his usual 100+ yards and a TD. In that same contest watch as Rich Gannon provides Derek with more fantasy numbers (and Playerz Club too, Rice and Brown). In the end it won't matter for the Playerz, watch as Derek climbs to 3-2.


Ragin Asians'

The Asians' have fought back to .500 and are looking to make a midseason run towards the upper half of the conference. Only one problem, they have the worst wide receivers in the league. Joe Horn and Peter Warrick are about as productive as a pair of union auto workers. Until Chaffee can assemble a decent supporting cast, look for the Asians' to hit hard times. This week the Asians' will fall below .500 as the Lennies dink their way to victory.


Playerz Club

The Playerz relived the sweet taste of victory last week as they squeaked past the Mnemonics. This week will be a completely different story though. Watch as the Playerz get taken advantage of worse than a gay midget at the 90s. Corey Dillon and the Oakland receiving tandem should put up solid numbers, but it will not be enough as the Playerz fall to 1-4.


Schwie's Ladies

This team is more pathetic than an Annie Schwie vs. Maggie Nemo dogfight. Stacy Mack and Ron Dayne couple to make up the saddest group of RBs in our fantasy league. If Eddie George becomes healthy and Jeff Garcia starts to put up some decent stats, this team could make a midseason run. Until then, watch as the Ladies fall to their worst start in fantasy football history.


Johnnie RATS

The Rats have their work cut for them in Week 5 as they face the Voodoo Daddies. Overall the Rats should have a big week. *NOTE*: A big week for the Rats means scoring 60 points. Tim Couch should have a career day (175 yards, 1 TD), Cris Carter should provide no yardage, only scores (30 yards, 2TDs), and Marvin Harrison is due to have a breakout game against Oakland (125 yards, 2TDs). All in all, it adds up to a decent fantasy performance, but a loss in the end.


Shock Doctor

While the Lennies have stolen the title "The team everyone loves to hate" the Doctors have been granted the NEW title "The team everyone feels bad for, but still hates". Aside from Donovan McNabb, this team has little or no reason to get out of bed in the morning. If the Doctors can manage to get things together, it will be a long road to even make the playoffs. Week 5: Doctors fall to 0-5 against a relentless Super Mario All Star Team.