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Week 5

Ranking Team Name

Comments

1.

Mystery Machine

Yes I know, over the past several years Mystery Machine has been the butt of more jokes than Monica Lewinsky, but this is not your typical 3-Bean team of the late 90s. Josh boasts an elite QB in Brian Griese, a roster that includes more Smith's than the New York City phone book, and a stud TE in Chad Lewis. Griese and Rod Smith alone should be able to shred the lowly KC secondary as the Mystery Machine destroys the feeble Ghetto Blasters.

2.

D's Bitches

D's Super Model Sluts cast the sexiest most explosive receiving core in our league, and maybe in recent history. With Edgerrin James and Rich Gannon to follow, this team cannot lose. Even with James being forced to sit because of the bye week, D's Bitches should still have enough to roll over the Voodoo Daddies.

3.

Johnny's Mnemonics

This team had the makings of a championship team: stud QB, solid RB's, and a top notch receiver. Unfortunately, as Nemo's luck would have it, Jamal Anderson proved to us why his knees are as reliable as a 1987 Pontiac Fiero. Things get ugly this week for the Mnemonics as Manning has a bye and the only hope, Ahman Green, faces an always-wicked Bucaneer Defense. Unless David Boston can scorch Philly for 200 yds and 3 TDs, Nemo gets the thumbs down.

4.

VooDoo Daddies

The Daddies appear to be a solid team on paper, yet they are missing one crucial element: INSERT JOKE HERE. No, the one thing they are missing is a solid second RB. Until they can lasso a stud RB look for D's Bitches to pass the Daddies in the AFC standings. Considering Bateson writes a column about trade rumors and ramblings, he should have the inside track in pulling off a blockbuster trade. Yet, until Bateson can sucker some naïve owner (i.e. Tim Davis) into giving him all of their starting players, the shirt off their back, and company 401k; look for Bateson to lose to D's Bitches this week.

5.

Bill Walsh All Stars

Welcome to the league! Word of advice; don't ever take this column too seriously. If owners did, I would receive hate mail daily. With that said… The Bill Walsh All Stars, and their crappy Nintendo game logo, sport the remains of a once washed up Showtime ball club. Owner Kevin Roach is hoping to ride Kurt Warner like a $2 hooker week in and week out. This week the story will not change, Warner will destroy a pathetic Lion secondary for 300+ yds and 4 TDs providing the margin of victory over the Johnnie Rats. It's on to 3-1 for the Super Mario Bros. All Stars.

6.

Ragin' Asians

The best of the under .500 ball clubs will have to work some sort of deal to counterbalance the loss of Terrell Davis. Things will be okay for the coming week as the Asians' face an even more depleted Shock Doctor team. Kudos to Chaffee on his acquisition of Ladainian Tomlinson! Although after this week, Trent Green and Tomlinson, while huge fantasy studs, may not be enough on their own to carry this team.

7.

Lennies

How this team is 3-0 is beyond Wes' Power Rankings. I would feel more than justified ranking this team dead last, but seeing as they are undefeated… Aside from Favre and the fact that they are winning, this team has been an offensive nightmare. Barlow and Buckhalter anchor a running game in desperate need of some support. Sadly though, Marshall will still emerge victorious this week, in a snoozer against Schwie's Ladies.

8.

Ghetto Blasters

This is a strange year: Nemo has a winning record, the Shock Doctors are in last place, and WHAT, Al Bernick has actually been involved in trade negotiations! UNBELIEVABLE! During the offseason Al took some business courses at the Carlson School of Management including, Trade Negotiation 1001, Entrepreneurship 3015, and Operation Management of Shady Massage Parlors' 2015. Even though businessman Al is representing himself in trade talks, he still continues to receive daily massages from his young gay assistant, Sebastian. After a summer of business school Al managed to round up some venture capital and he opened a new store, MUTTS N' BUTTS. It is a store for gay men and their gay dogs. The store allows gay pet owners to receive massages while their pets (mostly toy poodles) receive full manicures and hot oil treatments. Aside from Al's business practices, watch in week 5 as Al stinks it up worse than a rotten tira misu.

9.

Johnnie RATS

Trade-hungry owner Tim Davis, has been itching worse than a hemorrhoid convention to make a trade. Aside from his so far vain attempts at a deal he casts a splendid core of receivers in Harrison, Carter, and TE Chamberlain. Although, this week, while he loses Harrison to the bye, Carter and Chamberlain face a harsh New Orleans defense. Week 5 MAGIC 8 BALL says: "Outlook not so good."

10.

Schwie's Ladies

Eddie George… good… Jeff Garcia… yea, he's good…. Hmm, let's see who else, Nick Goings… what the… Looks like Brad's fantasy prowess has plummeted worse than American Airline's stock. His recent dismissal of Priest Holmes further compounds the statement. At any rate, Brad's team will fall to the Lennies in a contest that will be so boring; even Snicker's could become comatose.

11.

Playerz Club

A combined 1-5 Schwie record. If these two teams merged, they would still only be decent at best. The younger Schwie is hoping that Priest Holmes can breath some life into this pathetic team. Schwie will go to 1-3 this week, only because the Mnemonics lose top dog Manning to the bye.

12.

Shock Doctor

We have waited a long long time to see the day when the Doctors would start the season 0-3 and be ranked dead last. Things only get worse for the Doctors as Taylor has to sit out the next 3 weeks due to his sprained penis. McNabb will feast on the atrocious Cardinal defense, but the Doctors will have to remain defeated for at least one more week as the Ragin Asian's score the victory.