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Week 4

Ranking Team Name

Comments

1.

Schwie's Ladies

The last time Brad Schwie was 3-0 we had a governor with an IQ higher than 85, Enron was considered a 'good' investment, and SUVs were actually used as Sport Utility Vehicles. Is Brad Schwie back to the glory days of old? It sure appears so. Schwie has proved that doing just enough to win, is more than enough. This week the Ladies will have their work cut out for them though. Flu ridden Jeff Garcia has the week off due to the bye, Eddie George will be mediocre against the Raiders at best, and Eric Moulds will also turn in a second-rate performance. It'll be a close one, but I think the Ladies should have just enough to get by the Shock Jokes.

2.

Bill Walsh All Stars

Dear Flight Pattern,

Thank you very much for your warm and generous gift of Tom Brady, Rod Smith, and Lamar Smith. Christmas at the Mario household just wouldn't have been the same this year if it weren't for your warm and gracious heart. Mrs. Mario and the children once again do believe in Santa Claus. Thank you so very much Mr. Flight Pattern and have a happy New Year.
Gratefully yours,
Mario Bros. All-Stars

P.S. Ricky Williams will go off and I will destroy the Ragin Asians' this week.

3.

Lennies

The Lennies are enjoying success week in and week out. The scary thing here is that his team is not even firing on all 8-cylinders. Terrell Owens does not have a 100+ yard game yet nor receiving TD and Jay Fiedler is just plain pathetic. If Marshall can lock in a solid quarterback, then look out. Although, talking trade with Adam Marshall is about as pleasant as shaving your head with a cheese grater. So unless the Lennies can find a sleeper through the waiver wire, he'll have to keep starting Fiedler every week. Ish Ish Ish! This week the Lennies will surely suffer their first loss as they are without Owens, Garrison Hearst, and Marvin Harrison who are shelved because of the bye. Seeing that Priest Holmes will have his work cut out for him against Miami, it is almost a lock that the Lennies will lose to the Voodoo Daddies.

4.

Johnny's Mnemonics

When John Nemo has a team that is still undefeated going into Week 4, you know that one of two things is going on? Either his division is that pathetic, which it is, or Nemo actually has a decent team, which is debatable. Donovan McNabb is beyond a doubt, the biggest stud in our league and the only reason that Nemo is still undefeated. This week should much of the same story for the Mnemonics; McNabb faces another ridiculously pathetic team from Texas and should put up monster numbers once again. Assuming Fred Taylor doesn't get hurt, he should have a decent game against the Jets. Newly acquired Shaun Alexander will finally break out against the hapless Vikes. Enjoy your last week being undefeated Nemo, because the Ghetto Blasters will have enough to squeak by this time!

5.

Ragin' Asians

Chaffee, didn't your mama teach you that the first rule in fantasy football is that you should never trade a sexy starting RB for a rookie backup RB? Shaun Alexander and Andre Davis for Clinton Portis and Kevin Johnson. Quoting Johnny Mac again, "You can't be SERIOUS!" The Asians will sorely pay for their mistake. This week Ladanian Tomlinson will get stuffed against the Patriots in San Diego. Clinton Portis, will probably manage about 8 carries for 30 yards. Could things get any worse? Oh no, Peyton Manning is out with the bye. Here is the part where Chaffee would usually break down in tears. Actually, benching Manning couldn't have come at a better time. Chaffee inserts stiff Trent Dilfer and gets a career day out of the Seahawk QB against the ultra pathetic Viking secondary. Joe Horn should also be due for a monster afternoon in Detroit. Big days from Dilfer and Horn are not going to matter though, because the Asians' will still fall to the Mario gang.

6.

VooDoo Daddies

Daunte Culpepper is turning into more of a stiff than Johnny Unitas. What a baby too, he throws the ball 12 feet above Randy Moss' head and gets mad at him for not going for it. Bateson obviously doesn't invest through Charles Schwab, because his combo of Moss-Culpepper is about as undiversified as you can get. The turmoil doesn't end with these two, Marshall Faulk also suffers from a strained neck while Curtis Martin has been about as effective as the pullout method. Bateson, still confident in his team, should be diving for the panic button... This week, if Moss makes bail, he should manage to find the end zone against the scrappy Seahawks. Culpepper should also pass and rush for another TD in Seattle. Marshall Faulk, will be a big question mark against the Cowboys, so this will definitely hurt. Whether Bateson goes with Travis Henry or Martin, or both, it really won't matter, Daddies move to 2-2 against the depleted Lennies.

7.

Shock Doctor

Last Monday, Shoreview police responded to a noise violation coming from the Hudoba house. Perhaps a loud party? No, it was just Tony watching Monday Night Football and seeing Marshall Faulk as he got squished like a pesky mosquito. As a result, that evening Lamar Gordon's stock closed 10 points higher. Whether or not Faulk plays this week, it now appears that drafting Gordon in the late rounds was a smart move. If Gordon gets the nod, look for him to have a huge day against the Cowboys. With Vick out for the bye, the Docs will look to Kordell Stewart to have a nice afternoon against the Browns in Pit. It is going to be almost too close to call, but I think the Docs will lose to Schwie's Ladies by the thinnest of margins.

8.

Playerz Club

In Week 3 the Playerz Club went down on the Mnemonics faster than a Tijuana Crack Whore. Corey Dillon and Stephen Davis both had dismal performances as did, well, pretty much the rest of Schwie's squad. This week should be even more pathetic for the Playerz, as Stephen Davis is shelved with the bye, Corey Dillon faces a tough Tampa Bay defense, and Drew Bledsoe faces Brian Urlacher and the Bears. Lucky for the Playerz as they get to hear the two sweetest words in our fantasy vocabulary, "Flight Pattern." The Playerz should barely escape with the win.

9.

Ghetto Blasters

The Ghetto Blasters have been getting dogged worse than Patrick Maroney in a singles bar. 0-3, oh brother! The scary thing here is that Al Bernick has a good squad, they just have a pathetic record. This week Al Bernick should have huge days from both Aaron Brooks and Deuce McAllister as they take on the Detroit High Lions. Anthony Thomas should also be due for a 100-yard performance against the Bills in Buffalo. This is going to be a high scoring affair, and I see the Ghetto Blasters coming out just ahead of the Mnemonics. 1-3, a round of massages on Al!

10.

D's Bitches

Could the Bitches sink lower? Granted, last week's defeat was pretty much unavoidable, what with Gannon out. This week things get even more dicey as the Edge is out with the bye. That's okay because D just inserts Najeh Davenport, who the hell is this guy? Okay, the Packer RB, if he plays, should put up decent numbers against the Panthers in Lambeau. Gannon will also have an average outing against the Titans. In the end, D suffers loss number 4 and all but locks himself in the AFC cellar.

11.

Johnnie RATS

Tim Davis put up his usual sub 60 points against the Schwie's Ladies, ultimately costing him the loss. Looming a game below .500, the Rats are back in familiar territory. This week will be nothing new for Davis' Johnnie Rats. They will probably float somewhere in the 50-point range with a subpar performance from Brett Favre as he takes on the Panthers at Lambeau. Sadly enough, the Rats will move back to .500 against the Edge-less D's Bitches.

12.

Flight Pattern

Roach and Nemo, working as cohorts, have single-handedly picked over Tim Winn's team worse than a K-Mart Blue Light Special. This week Winn looks to Steve McNair to boost Flight Pattern to a rare 40+ point performance. McNair should have a respectable day against the Raiders, but nothing to write home about. Tiki Barber will return to his pathetic form against the Cardinals. Look for Winn's squad to lose a close one to the ailing Playerz Club.