Week 3

Ranking Team Name



VooDoo Daddies

Lucky for Bateson that our league does not penalize for fumbles as Daunte Culpepper had a double duce of them against the Bills (Mental Note: send Nemo proposal to penalize for fumbles). In fact, the Daddies just may have the best and worst QB in the league. Culpepper puts up gaudy fantasy stats, yet he could not lead an Arab to oil. Regardless, the Daddies are once again the team to beat. Culpepper, Randy Moss, and Marshall Faulk all had big time performances in a sort of must-win game for the Daddies. This week Culpepper and Moss should light it up again as the Queens take on the Panthers at home. Marshall Faulk and Curtis Martin will be slowed as they take on the Bucs and Dolphins, respectively. Although, this week the Daddies face the Kurt Warner led Bill Walsh team; so in effect, Faulk should cancel out any production from Warner. As a result, Daddies to 2-1.


Schwie's Ladies

40 points from Defense and Kicker positions alone. As John McEnroe would say, "You can't be serious!" Unless the Bucs game was a complete aberration, we are dead serious. It might be a bit premature to say that the Ladies are back, but for now we'll assume they are the real deal. This week Schwie's Ladies should continue to roll more smoothly than a pimped out Mazda 323. Eddie George will be the stud this week as he pummels the Cleveland Browns for a huge day. Jeff Garcia should also have a solid outing against the Redskins. In the end it'll be no match as the Ladies destroy the pathetic Johnnie Rats.


Bill Walsh All-Stars

What a week for the Mario Bros. All-Stars. They destroyed Al Bernick's Ghetto Blasters and made a blockbuster trade sending what was the equivalent of Tiki Barber and some pocket lint to Flight Pattern, in return for Rod Smith, Lamar Smith, and Tom Brady. With it Kevin Roach immediately is a contending team in the AFC. This week the Mario gang faces AFC powerhouse VooDoo Daddies. Even though Ricky Williams will have a career day against the Jets, I just don't see Roach having enough to outdo the Daddies.



Adam Marshall did it once again. Using a balanced attack, led by stiff Jay Fiedler the Lennies defeated the Playerz and once again have a solid stake as the "most hated team in the league". Lenny is so hated, that even an Al Qaida member would be more welcome in our league. This week should be no different, Jay Fiedler should have his way with the flimsy Jets secondary, as will Marvin Harrison and Terrell Owens who face the miserable Texans and Redskins, respectively. The haters will be out in full force next week because the Lennies move to 3-0.


Johnny's Mnemonics

What is going on? Mnemonics are suddenly 2-0! I guess the sun does shine on a dog's ass every once in a while. As we hear the chants of John Nemo all over the Chat Forum, "19 games below .500, baby!" Not to worry, the Mnemonics should and will hit their midseason funk starting in week 3. The next 4 games should prove to be the most challenging stretch the Mnemonics will face all year. This week the Mnemonics are forced to do without the services of Fred Taylor and Jimmy Smith. As Nemo plays roulette trying to decide which stiff he is going to insert this week, the Playerz will be "wavin their hands in the aya" this week as they stroll to victory.


Playerz Club

Sporting brand new $15 K-Mart hub caps, Adam Marshall driving in his crappy white Geo Metro cruised by Wes Schwie and his blue Schwinn. The Playerz had woeful days from Stephen Davis and Tim Brown, which ultimately cost them the victory. On the bright side Drew Bledsoe had a monster game against the pathetic Vike's secondary as he led the Playerz with 30 points. This week Schwie loses Brown to the bye, but should see solid production out of Corey Dillon against the Falcons. Drew Bledsoe is also set for another huge game as he travels to Denver for a shootout with the Broncos. I see the Blue Schwinn shifting into 10th gear and cruising to the victory against the depleted Mnemonics.


Ragin' Asians

Chaffee Tran and the Asians' have a good reason to be ragin after last week's defensive/kicker outburst from the Schwie's Ladies. Poor performances from Shaun Alexander and Ladanian Tomlinson sealed Chaffee's fate as the Asians' could only muster out 63 points. This week the Asians' look to rebound against D's Bitches. Tomlinson will scorch the Cardinals as will Manning as he takes on the Texans. Alexander will have his hands full against the Giants, but should still break out for a short-yardage score. This week the fortune cookie reads: "You will be rewarded with a great victory against a hapless foe". The Asians' move to one game above .500 as they take down D's Bitches.


D's Bitches

Derek Wolter and his bitches showed signs of life last week against the VooDoo Daddies. Rich Gannon shredded the Steelers' defense as did Edgerrin James as he racked up 220 all-purpose yards. This week the Bitches have their hands full as they face the Ragin Asians'. D is forced to play without Rich Gannon as he is shelved because of the bye. It only gets worse... D's backup, Shane Matthews, is questionable because of a sprained penis suffered during the Monday night blowout against the Eagles. On the bright side, Edgerrin James should have a big day against the Texans, but it will be futile as the Bitches lose to Chaffee by a hefty margin.


Ghetto Blasters

Things are starting to look ugly for the Ghetto Blasters. Heading into week 3, the Blasters face the Lennies in what is a must win game for Al Bernick's squad. Aaron Brooks and Deuce McAllister will have their work cut out for them as they travel to Chicago to take on Brian Urlacher and the Bears. Brooks will be forced to rush the pass and will suffer greatly as a result. Anthony Thomas should have a decent outing, but this will not be nearly enough. Al Bernick falls to 3 games out of 1st place with the loss this week; thus, making his run to the NFC division championship that much more bleak. Al better schedule a double session with Dave at the massage parlor this week, he is going to need it!


Shock Doctor

Like a Denny Hecker sellathon, Hudoba is frantically trying to move all the players off his roster and rebuild before the season unwinds on him. As Tony is trying not to be undersold by the competition look for the Shock Doctors to finally get their first win this week. Michael Vick takes on the Bengals at home and should have a career day. As for the Docs RBs, they are about as threatening as Annie Schwie. Nevertheless, it will not matter because the Docs will have more than enough to defeat Flight Pattern.


Johnnie RATS

Tim Davis is probably fuming right now. "No respect, I get no respect." His team actually came away with the win this week, yet he still managed to fall in the power rankings. Insert cartoon sound> Wowwow... When you start chumps like Antowain Stiff, Qunicy "One Week Wonder" Morgan, and Jimmy Kleinsasser (looks like one of the thugs from NES Double Dragon), you are going to get no respect. This week the Rats face the Ladies in what should and will be a blowout with the Rats on the losing end.


Flight Pattern

Tim Winn should enroll in one of professor Bateson's introductory courses: "Negotiations and Trading: An Unethical Approach" or "How to Screw Your Neighbor". Tim Winn may have just sealed his own fate in that ridiculous trade with the Bill Walsh All-Stars. Sore anus and all, Flight Pattern might actually have a pulse this week. Steve McNair should scorch the Browns at home and Tiki Barber might be able to limp into the endzone against the scrappy Seahawks. I still don't see this as enough as Winn's Flight Pattern go down to the fellow defeated Shock Jokes.