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Week 1

Ranking Team Name

Comments

1.

VooDoo Daddies

During the offseason trader Dave spent most of his time at the Aveda Institute learning the newest techniques in massage and hot oil treatment. Rewind to a steamy August evening... Alone in the massage parlor Dave and Al sip Kendall Jackson wine and discuss the upcoming fantasy season. Suddenly Dave dims the lights and pulls out a bottle of his new lavender and sweet ginger hot oil. Like a curious yet shy kitten, Al purrs and moves closer to Dave. Dave begins applying the hot oil all over Al.

Dave: "So Al, are you interested in winning your division this year."
Al: "Oh yes Dave. Yes."
Dave: "Ya know, KFAN has been talking about Deuce McAllister all month, about how he is the missing piece in the Saints offense, how he is going to rush for 1500 yards, how he is going to score 15 TDs..."
Al: "...Oh Dave!"
Dave: "I would be willing to part with Deuce and another superstar named Anthony Thomas, for a small small price."
Al: (Louder) "Ohhh Dave!"
Dave: "I will reward you with Deuce McAllister and Anthony Thomas. In return I would be willing to take, oh say, Marshall Faulk off of your hands."
Al: "Ooohhh! Yes Dave. Oooohhh."
Dave: (hastily pushing Al's lavender scented body away) "Great, I'll call Nemo and make it official."

2.

Ragin' Asians

Peyton Manning, Shaun Alexander, Ladanian Tomlinson, and Joe Horn. This has the makings of a team that could dominate the AFC. Oh, but wait, the Voodoo Daddies are also in the AFC. Better luck next year Chaffee. 2002 will be the year that Chaffee plays second fiddle to trader Dave as the second most powerful team in our league. The always trade-happy-Chaffee will do his best to add superstars and depth, but I still see him coming up a bit short come season end. This week Chaffee will move to 1-0 as he destroys the pathetic Johnnie Rats.

3.

Ghetto Blasters

Al Bernick showed that he can and will make horseshit trades with owners other than brother-in-law Dave. Props to Al for dishing Michael Bennett, in what was essentially a Bennett for Aaron Brooks trade. With the acquisition of Brooks Bernick's squad suddenly appears to be the early favorite to claim the wide-open NFC title. Assuming Deuce lives up to the hype and Anthony Thomas doesn't fall into a sophomore slump, Bernick should be good to go. Week 1 will be a different story for the Ghetto Blasters though. Seeing as half of Al's team is on the New Orleans Saints, and the Saints travel to Tampa Bay, it looks like he will have a tough time scratching up enough points for the victory. Al starts off 0-1, but should turn it around in no time.

4.

Playerz Club

With studs Stephen Davis, Corey Dillon, Torry Holt, and Tim Brown this team should be firmly planted near the top of the NFC. Throw sleeper Rod Gardner in the mix and Schwie suddenly has a team with depth as well. Although the biggest question mark surrounding this team is the future of Brian Griese. If Griese can prove to be the Denver quarterback the Broncos have been looking for, he could send Schwie's Playerz all the way to the top of the NFC. Because of easy match-ups Schwie will claim victory of the Blasters in week 1.

5.

Lennies

Bringing a gaudy trophy to the league draft was just more fuel in the Lenny-hater fire. This year it won't be as much fun hating the Lennies as in years past though. Jay Fiedler at starting QB is more pathetic than watching a Lisa Leslie dunk in the WNBA. Consider the fact that Garrison Hearst is one hit away from the nursing home and you soon understand why the Lennies will not be the most despised team any longer. Unless Lenny can find a way to score 20+ points each week from his receivers, it'll be a long road back to the Super Bowl. Yet, this week it won't matter as the Lennies ride Owens and Harrison to a big win over the Shock Jokes.

6.

Schwie's Ladies

Suddenly the red Schwinn is looking faster and sexier than ever. Eddie George is back to 100% health, Tony Gonzalez is signed and ready to have a career year, Jeff Garcia is just one sexy bitch, and Michael Pittman should see more action than Ron Jeremy. Although, the road for the red Schwinn will be a bit bumpy this week as the Ladies face the Voodoo Daddies in what will be Brad's biggest test of the regular season. I just don't see Schwie having enough to outdo the Voodoo Daddies in week 1.

7.

Bill Walsh All Stars

The Mario Bros. All-Stars have about as much depth as a Matthew Perry movie. Although, who needs depth when you have studs like Kurt Warner and Ricky "Social Anxiety" Williams on your roster. Week 1 should be a huge week for Roach as Warner comes out firing against the Broncos. Mr. Paxil should also be due for a big game as the Dolphins take on the pathetic Lions at home. Look for the All-Stars to destroy D's Bitches in Week 1.

8.

D's Bitches

Trade weary Derek Wolter looks to have his work cut out for him this year. Gimpy Edgerrin James is about as tough and hard-nosed as any back in the league, but it'll be interesting to see if his surgically repaired knee can regain its 2000 form. Otherwise, this team is solid but not outstanding. Rich Gannon and Isabella Bruce should put up respectable numbers. The wide receiver situation in Green Bay should only help Bubba Franks as he will be a hot target this year. Though in Week 1 we'll see D's Bitches go down faster than a $5 hooker.

9.

Johnny's Mnemonics

If these Power Rankings were based on making bone-headed trades, Nemo would almost surely be ranked No. 1 every week. Michael Bennett and a 2nd rounder for the number 1 overall pick. Nemo, stop taking advice from your football illiterate wife. On a better note, with the signing of Jimmy Smith, Nemo instantly has a legitimate threat at receiver. Pair Smith with McNabb and he has two studs to tout. Although, with Fred Taylor and Michael Bennett having been the two hottest sellers at Stiffs R' Us, Nemo looks like he'll have his hands full this year.

10.

Shock Doctor

"Ahhh, Tony did you get that memo about this not being a keeper league anymore. If you could go ahead and do that from now on that would be great." If the year were 2006 the Shock Jokes would be a team to reckon with. Thankfully it's only 2002, and with the exception of Vick these diaper dandies won't do much more than cause Hudoba a season of heartache and disappointment. With Foster injured for the first month and Portis suffering from a bout of fumblitis, it looks like the Doctors will be cackled to defeat in Week 1.

11.

Flight Pattern

Marcus Pollard, Chris Chambers, William Green, this team stinks worse than an Old Navy commercial. Lucky for Winn that DeShaun Foster is out for the first month so he should see reasonable numbers from Lamar Smith. Passing on Aaron Brooks was no doubt a case of Bad Idea Jeans, but Winn just may have a stud in McNair. With a healthy Eddie George back, the Titans offense instantly looks twice as good as last year. This means much bigger numbers for Steve McNair. All in all, it is going to be Week 1 loss to the Mnemonics and a season of growing pains for Winn's Flight Pattern.

12.

Johnnie RATS

"With the 47th pick in the 2002 draft, the Johnnie Rats select..... Ah, ahhhhh Nemo who should I pick?" Draft-cursed Tim Davis touts studs Brett Favre and Ahman Green, yet beyond that his team is about as pathetic as the State Fair Haunted House. Jamal Lewis and Antowain Smith, ish ish ish! Insert Johnnie joke here>
"Two gay men walk into a bar. Bartender says, hey you guys must have gone to St. Johns in Collegeville."