Week 5

Rumors and Rumblings From Around the League

The rumor crew has been busy this week. The crew has faced Ebola like illness and the first trial for one of its members. Nonetheless, the crew has worked the phones, crunched the numbers, searched each team's trash bags and set up round the clock surveillance to bring you this weeks rumors.


Johnny's Mnuemonics

The annual rights of fall have now begun. The leaves are changing and Nemo is trying to trade away his team after a three game losing skid. Memo to Nemo: You should expect to lose if you have Manning on bye and use Ty Detmer to fill in. Stop panicking! Even Manning is now on the table with a three-player price tag. While Nemo is desperate need of RB depth, the focus of his trade talks, his team is still fairly solid with an emerging Marcus Robinson giving him a superstar at every position. We hear that Nemo is trying to acquire Jerome Bettis, Priest Holmes, Charlie Garner, Corey Dillon, James Jackson or Anthony Thomas among others. With little depth to offer from his own roster, Nemo is said to be dangling draft picks.

Johnnie Rats

The Rats of Nil continue to entertain offers for Marvin Harrison, but the price is steeper than loan interest between Schwie brothers. A deal is certain to happen though. Let's face it, there is little else on the team to keep it afloat. Davis has been uncharacteristically active on the waiver wire this year and is negotiating harder than ever, apparently content on leaving little Grace some type of legacy. Harrison is choice beef so we are confident that Davis will reap a tidy some when the trade does go through. We also hear rumors of a Cris Carter for Nick Goings and Ron Dayne trade. Goings is a nothing player and Dayne, whiling flashing potential, is a White Castle value sack away from his original slug status.

Ragin Asians

Miagi told Chaffee "no make trade for QB before season." Unfortunately, Chaffee ignored Miagi and gave the first pick in the second round for Trent Green. Green has done absolutely nothing year, passing for one touchdown in four games. We hear that every trade offer Chaffee makes includes trying to ship off Green. Chaffee is also trying to trade Shaun Alexander while his value is high. Alexander has looked so good that Chaffee reportedly has taken to soiling himself with excitement, but even LaShon Johnson used to put up a great game once and while. Chaffee has rallied his team to .500 after starting 0-2 so things are looking up, but can he really be satisfied with Joe Horn's 45 receiving yards each week? We look for more talk than action on this trade front but if the right deal comes along he may actually pull the trigger.

Schwie's Ladies

To quote Duce Bigalow, "That's a huge bitch". That's right folks, the ladies are off the rag and are coming for you. We haven't seen this type of female violence since the last Daisy Sale. Eddie George just needed a major injury to get him going. Jeff "Jerry" Garcia is lobbing bombs like U.S. Special forces. Schwie is still quietly shopping for upgrades at receiver and we hear his prime target is old buddy Cris Carter. Nonetheless, Brad is happy with his team and is never one to panic. Look for the ladies to keep climbing the standings. Perhaps the Ladies will bitch slap the cackling Lennies for first place.

Playerz Club

The Player's Club is moving players in and out like a whore er massage parlor. Wes is looking into a trades for both Manning and Culpepper, but the price for both is steep. We hear Rumors of deals involving Corey Dillon, Tim Brown and draft picks. Wes is desperately trying to upgrade his team and we have to tip our cap to his efforts. Still, while Dillon is a solid back, he just isn't the sexy stud that most teams want as their number one running back. We look for some deal to go down, but we doubt it will land him Manning or Culpepper.

D's Bitches

This team is streaky as Chaffee's shorts after watching Shaun Alexander. Edgerine James has been surprisingly inconsistent. One never knows which Rams receiver will get the ball so who knows what number Ike Bruce will post from week to week. Still, this team has never made a trade in league history and we doubt that will change now. We hear that teams rarely even call to inquire so we are confident that there will be no action on this front.


Ish Ish Ish is all we can say. Has there ever been a luckier team? Despite a pedestrian offense that ranks in the middle of the league, Lennies are undefeated this year. The trade talks have cooled down, as all of the jilted lennie lovers are no longer returning calls. Additionally, Marshall finally sobered up and realized that trading Brett Favre to get Aaron Brooks playing time is the equivalent of dumping a Rebecca Stamos just to see what it's like to date Klondike Kate. As James Bond said in Goldfinger, "My dear girl, there are some things you just don't do." We see no trades on the horizon. Regrettably, we also see no losses on the Horizon.
911 Operator: Yes sir, we already have multiple reports of a loud cackling sound being heard throughout the Twin Cities. We are looking into it.

Ghetto Blasters

Oh the humanity! Abduhla the butcher has now run Marshall Faulk into the ground with a knee injury. Bernick still faces a serious quandary however. Bettis and Faulk are leading the team to victory, but they are also the only marketable players available to improve the QB and WR positions. Faulk is only likely to be out a week, but you can never trust a football player's knees. We have it on good authority that the offers are pouring in for both players. We recommend that Bernick sell Bettis while the value is high. This bus has more mileage on it than Rubio's TG cruiser and the breakdown could come at any minute. You need a quarterback who is taller than Abby Bateson, and Doug Flutie doesn't fit the bill. Bernick rarely actually makes a deal so we doubt a trade will happen. On the upside, we have it on good authority that he now actually owns a phone and is threatening to use it.

Voodoo Daddies

Little Abby Bateson wandered into her dad's voodoo room and indiscriminately began stabbing dolls. As a result, Ty Wheatly, one of Bateson's own players, is now out for four weeks. This team is paper-thin and is now forced to turn to unproven rookie James Jackson. We hear that Bateson has gone through two cordless phone batteries trying to improve his trade but has found no takers. Antonio Freeman is now drawing interest from several teams as Bill Schroeder gimps along on his bad ankle. Bateson is also rumored to be exploring a trade for Marvin Harrison although his initial offer was met with a Jorge like "Jeh Jeh Jeh" by Tim Davis. In the meantime, new locks and a security system have been installed on the voodoo room.

Shock Doctors

Hmmm. Anyone else notice a lack of taunting on the chat forum this year. What can this team do? They simply have no talent to trade. We give them credit for not giving up, but the future is bleak. Meanwhile, somewhere over Canada…
Hunter #1: That's strange you usually don't see one duck flying alone.
Hunter #2: (firing gun) Got him.
Hunter #1: (retrieving duck) He ain't dead Jim. He keeps quackin' somethin' ‘bout Jimmy Smith…
In Alaska Rob awakes from an afternoon nap.
Rob: Dear God! Canadian Duck Hunting Season. What have I done? How will I help Tony rebuild our team without Quacky's insight? And, if Quacky is dead who will I talk to out in the wilderness?…

Bill Walsh All-Stars

The late 80s Nintendo Flashback team is keeping the pressure on the Voodoo Daddies for first place. However, that sonic boom you heard last weekend was Roach's heart pounding as Warner lay on the carpet. We hear Roach is personally suing Michael Strahan from destruction of private property after the beating he inflicted on Warner. Memo to Roach, have good back ups because Warner has serious concussion problems that could rear their head at any minute. We also hear that extra voodoo is being applied to Ricky "I have yet to play a full season" Williams as the rival voodoo daddies have Deuce MacCallister. Roach continues to complain that other owners are trying to rip him off in trades so we do not anticipate any trade action.

Mystery Machine

Uh Oh. Did we call them the Mastery Machine? It looks like they are back on 35W with the hood up. Any further questions why Bateson unloaded Brian Griese? Talented as hell, but as we predicted several weeks ago, a bad bad wing. Further, with Shanahan pushing him to play we can all but guaranty the shoulder won't heal for the rest of year. Memo to Josh: Familiarize yourself with Gus Ferrote before someone else grabs him. Josh also need better depth at RB as Lamar Smith is starting to sputter and Emmitt Smith, the greatest back in NFL history, is struggling to find room against 10 man fronts in Dallas. Things are getting dicey, but Josh is still pulling a winning record.