Rumors and Rumblings From Around the League
It took seven weeks but the rumors and rumblings crack staff has finally reported in bringing you the latest in trade rumors. We have sorted through owners' trash, tapped phones, and trailed Midspec trucks around the town. We have traced numerous blue Schwinn sightings and developed a dossier on the leagues newest owner. So without further ado here are the latest rumors and rumblings.
We start with the hated cackling Lennies. The year began with the Midspec truck parked in the Bahamas where Lennie attempted to master the voodoo possessed by the Voodoo Daddies. Instead, the voodoo backfired and Lennie lost the surprisingly solid Jay Fiedler for at least a month with a broken thumb. Opportunistic owners have swamped the Lennies with calls trying to acquire much coveted Priest Holmes. We hear the Mnemonics have thrown Donavon McNabb into the mix while Schwie's Ladies have dangled Jeff "Jerry" Garcia and Mark Breunell. Unfortunately, because the Lennies are reportedly balking at offering anything more than bench players, pocket lint and Midspec promotional items, it's hard to believe any trades will come down. Look for possible action from the Voodoo Daddies making a late pitch offering Trent Green.
We hear that there is very little trade talk involving Flight Pattern. Given that Flight Pattern already traded every decent player on its roster, the lack of interest is not surprising. Shopping for talent on this roster is like shopping for clothes at the Goodwill. Everything is used and ugly. This team has more junk than eBay. Lets face it, even Fred Sanford can't find anything of value among this junk. We give Tim Wynn credit for trying, but offering up Chris Chambers for a starting running back ain't going to get it done.
Even though John Nemo is having his best fantasy season in years, he still is working the phones trying to pull a deal. Nemo has been a whirling dervish of trades and has assembled a nice roster rising from the ashes of last season's talent purge. Still, he has traded away some solid talent like Marty Booker. Nemo's favorite tactic is to tout his own players while knocking everyone else's hoping to steal players for below market value. In recent weeks he has attempted to acquire a top flight receiver flirting with Randy Moss and Tony Gonzalez. We also hear he covets Deuce McCallister and Priest Holmes but his offers for those players have resulted in scoffs from other teams. Despite Nemo's attempts to downplay David Boston's foot injury, word is out around the league that Boston will need surgery or will be hampered throughout the year. Nemo was close to sending the surprising Thomas Jones to the Payerz Club for Brian "Bad Wing" Griese with an eye at then moving McNabb to Lennies for Priest Holmes. Instead he traded Fred Taylor and Jimmy Smith for inconsistent Cory Dillon and under-producing Tim Brown. He then traded the rest of his backfield for Todd Heap in a panic move to find a tight end who produces any fantasy numbers. Look for the merry go round to continue on the Mnemonics roster. We know that no one is working the phones harder.
The Playerz Club, formerly swingers paradise, has fallen on hard times. The Velvet sofa has frayed and is stained. Pot bellies have replaced hard bodies and cock roaches roam the building. Yet, despite the rough start that Wes Schwie swearing he would never touch his line-up, this team remains in playoff contention. Yet Wes may have saved his season by robbing the Mnemonics of Fred Taylor and Jimmy Smith to go with Stephan Davis. Daunte Culpepper will post rock solid fantasy numbers even as he destroys the Vikings season. Wes appeared one trade away from contention and if Taylor stays healthy he will be in good shape. He needs to pull some big upsets down the stretch to stay in playoff contention and offset the stink of a loss to Flight Pattern.
No team is more eager to end the keeper league than the Shock Doctors. The team has two great WRs in Marty Booker and Pearless Price, but nothing else. Meanwhile somewhere in South America:
Rob: Hola! How did you find me here boy?
Duck: Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack
Rob: What the hell do you mean?
Duck: Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack
Rob: Fast Tony traded Fred Taylor and McNabb for Michael Vick?
Duck: Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack
Rob: I love you too boy! I am glad I paid the $2500 to get you through customs from Alaska and I am sorry that Cockatoo violated you in the baggage compartment.
After being mocked and ridiculed for trading Marshal Faulk, Bernick is having the last laugh as Deuce McCallister shreds the NFL. Unfortunately, the ghetto still did not have enough new development to land a decent receiver. We hear Bernick is willing to trade either Jerome Bettis or Anthony Thomas for a receiver but refuses to use his telephone. He is hoping to send his homies out in the ghetto hueptie to peddle trade offers from a secret boarded up trade house. We hear that Bernick is even entertaining offers for McCallister and has made inquiries about the asking price for Randy Moss.
These ladies are like hookers on Hennepin. They are ugly but they always score just enough to get buy. Word has it that Brad Schwie is now convinced that Eddie George is washed up but George had gotten enough short distance TDs to help Schwie win. The scary thing about the Ladies is that they are winning while getting nothing from Jeff Garcia or George. We hear that Nemo has called about the availability of Tony Gonzalez but Gonzo is not on the Market. Schwie is concerned about his second RB slot and is willing to move Eric Moulds or Curtis Conway to fill that slot. Schwie scouted Germany for NFL Europe talent. We hear that Schwie knows Eddie George is washed up and is unhappy with the production he is getting from Michael Pittman. He has tried to peddle either Eric Moulds or Curtis Conway for running back help but is finding no takers. Schwie is notoriously cautious when making trades and we doubt that the right deal will come along to cause him to make a move.
Dave Bateson made what seemed to be all the right moves in the off season only to see Vikings offense melt down rendering Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss useless. He acquired Marshall Faulk but in the process gave up Deuce McCallister who has even better stats than Faulk. We hear that Bateson is shopping Moss around the league but finding no takers until Moss has his signature breakout game. We also hear that Bateson and Marshall have had some discussions about moving Trent Green to Lennies but the talks have yet to move past the preliminary stage. Bateson has also quietly inquired about bringing Deuce McCallister back to the Voodoo but the two sides have been unable to agree on the future considerations and cap implications of the trade.
Chaffee Tran has been active in the trade arena in recent years. He smartly traded Shaun Alexander for the "sexy" Clinton Portis only to find that Portis benched when he couldn't hold onto the football. Portis treats the football like a thirteen-year-old treats boobs. He says he wants it but then doesn't know how to hold it when he gets it. Still, Chaffee has the steady Peyton Manning and Joe "blow my own" Horn to anchor his line-up. He also has LaDanien Tomlinson getting the rock more often than Al's ghetto neighbors. Speaking of the ghetto, our spies tell us that a large sumo wrestler in a rickshaw was spotting along side the ghetto whoopty. We hear Tran is trying to sweet talk Bernick into parting with Deuce McCallister by offering up Portis and a wideout.
Bill Walsh All Stars
Team Mario left a trail of Vaseline after bending Wynn over to loot Rod Smith and Tom Brady for essentially junk back-ups. However, the deal has gone diseased as Rod Smith has failed to produce. Kurt Warner got hurt and Tom Brady's stock plummeted like the NASDAQ. Time to upgrade to 64 bit graphics. The only consistent production on the squad has been Ricky Williams but with Jay Fiedler gone and Ray Lucas looking like Rick Meier, teams have started stacking the line to limit Ricky as well. Bill Walsh needs to get on the horn and try to deal a quarterback for wide receiver help. Otherwise, we recommend taking the game cartridge out and blowing into it through your shirt. If that doesn't work try up, up, down ,down, left, right, left right, A, B for extra lives and energy boost.
D made his annual Rich Gannon selection and has had it pan out big time as the ageless wonder continues to impress. Unfortunately there is nothing else left on this team. The Edge has been as dull as those kindergarten safety scissors kids use. Ike Bruce isn't the number one receiver in St. Louis anymore and without Warner to sling the ball his numbers have plummeted. D's Bitches need a makeover, plastic surgery, and liposuction. D's only hope is to trade the edge or Gannon in a deal to get enough depth to win the Toilet Bowl. There is little hope of catching the front runners in a tough division.
After years of mocking and ridicule, including phoning in draft picks from a local drinking establishment, the Rats have become the Rats of Nihm, displaying surprising savvy and guile while emerging from the league sewers to respectability. Brett Favre looks like the Brett Favre of old and if Shaun Alexander returns to even a shell of his former self the Rats will have one of the leagues most dynamic backfields. The Rats play in the toughest division in the league so we don't expect them to make a run into playoff contention, but as Nemstradamus noted, nobody really wants to play this team.