Rumors
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Week 5

Rumors and Rumblings From Around the League

We are blinded by the light as we emerge from our secret underground lair. After a week of Chef Boyardee and mendota Springs, we are confident that the world has returned to normal. The Mnemonics are back in the loss column and Schwa's Ladies are in the win column. All appears right in the world. So, with a glass firmly planted against the door, we offer up this week's rumors and rumblings.

TEAM NEWS

Johnny's Mnuemonics

We hear Nemo has corned the market on crucifixes and garlic in an attempt to rid his team of residual voodoo. Nemo's team had a change of fortune worthy of priceline.com as the Indy offense crashed and burned and Jamal Anderson joined childhood buddy Terrell Davis in the Roberta Smith knee surgery hall of fame. On the upside, Nemo's receivers seem solid with Marcus "Mrs." Robinson looking more and more like the stud he once was. Unfortunately, the pool of available waiver RBs is anemic and Nemo's record will prevent him from getting any of the three who could contribute. That leaves only trades to improve his team, but Nemo really has no depth to offer in trade. We dare say that the green lantern is not likely to fetch a starting RB in return. The feeling here is that Nemo will no longer be the dominant trash talking team of the first 2 weeks, but with Manning, Green, and Boston he has enough to still win games.

Johnnie Rats

With all the injuries this team has had, we will refer to them as Team Bye since they are a sure victory until they upgrade the RB situation. The rats only reliable back, Ricky Watters, is now out for at least four weeks, leaving the rats to rely on Jim Kleinsaucer's receiving yard for running back points. Davis has been desperately pleading for a trade on the chat page and we hear that several owners have contacted him about Marvin Harrison. Davis is wisely holding out for a stud RB however, clearly understanding that Harrison is his only marketable commodity. We think that if the right combination of two running backs was offered up though a deal might be reached. If something doesn't go down soon, the Rats will return to their customary home in the league sewer.

Ragin Asians

Like rabbits in a pet store, the Asians RBs seem to be multiplying. Shaun Alexander now gets a shot at starting in Seattle for the injured Ricky Watters. The WR situation is downright scary however. The next time Chaffee faces the Florida Gators Peter Warrick and Laveranues Coles are must starts. Until then, Chaffee may want to look for an NFL receiver to compliment Joe "Blow My Own" Horn. Speaking of Horn, we hear a rumor that at one time he was actually a good player. This year's game films fail to confirm that. We do not see trades on the horizon.

Schwa's Ladies

We haven't seen decision making this bad since Let's Make A Deal reruns on the game show network. In three weeks Schwie has managed to release an entire starting backfield by cutting Priest Holmes and Olandis Gary. After stealing the three ugly ones from Dj vu, everyone seems to want out of the Schwie Brothel. Maybe Brad will cut Eric Moulds so he too can reach his potential. Nonetheless, the ladies returned to the win column this week and Brad is working the phones and waiver wires to improve his team. He still isn't finding any legitimate offers for Eddie George. Stacy Mack and Ron Dayne are looking more and more like legitimate number two backs as well. We hear that Brad is still looking over his trade options and we are confident he will turn it around. Remember, Brad started last year 0-2 and rebounded to win the title so it's not over.

Playerz Club

The players' club is out of towels and has mold on the walls. The team has slumped to 0-3 proving that we are all wrong when we say RBs win fantasy football games. This team has three solid RBs but can't buy a victory. We hear that the mad cackler known as Leonard IV visited the clubhouse and tried to abscond with Corey Dillon. The initial offer would have had the Mississippi Madman, Brett Favre setting up shop with the Players, but Wes is holding out for more. Negotiations continue. As we first reported last week, Wes clearly understands that he needs to deal so we expect something to happen. He even waded into the shark pool by contacting Bateson about a trade, redefining desperation. Look for Wes to end up with three players for Dillon including Favre and Mushin Muhammad.

D's Bitches

Wolter found out this week why a team needs more than one stud player as The Edge wouldn't put out and the bitches went frigid. He is fortunate the Richard Huntley is returning to action as he must now face the voodoo in a first place showdown while the Edge rests. The receiving corps on this team is still extremely suspect and Huntley may be Wolter's ticket to adding quality. Rich Gannon is solid and we won't mention any comments about his wife for fear of being sued. Memo to Gannon: lighten the f*** up and take it as a compliment. All in all there is very little room for D's improvement, however, and the Edge usually scores like Mitch Berger in the Bahamas. We do not see any trades in the future for this club.

Lennies

Like a hooker in need of rent money, Lennie seems to be in bed with everyone these days. We hear he is negotiating trades with as many as three teams at the same time, playing each team off the other. Shocked owners are trading stories of phone calls filled with hideous cackling. The talks are centering around some big time stud RBs including Corey Dillon and Marshall Faulk. Lennie is offering up some prime beef including Brett Favre and Mushin Muhammad among others. The question is how much will Lennie lose for others to gain? We expect a deal to go down soon, but admit even we cannot predict which of Lennie's Lovers will be the other party. Will Lennie go slumming in the ghetto? We do hear that the Lennies have an affinity for dealing with tall lurchy marathon runners.

Ghetto Blasters

It's cold in the welfare line isn't it? Marshall Faulk single-handedly led the squad to victory this week, making it even harder to pull the trigger on a trade. We hear that Bernick has hatched a plan to take one of the RBs off the waiver wire and then offer a team Bettis plus that the new back for a WR. The Ghetto hooptie is headed for Ratville as Bernick looks to grab Cris Carter to supplement his receiving corps. Shaft is also still cozying up with Lennies over a possible Faulk deal that would land him some combination of four players and or picks to rebuild for next year.

Voodoo Daddies

After corning the market on live chickens, the voodoo is flowing like Tahitian Treat at a Schwie Brother's Sleepover. When the voodoo failed to find any of the Mnemonics on bye, it simply moved up a notch and maimed a starting RB. This week the curse continues as Bateson gets D's Bitches with Edgerin James on bye. Bateson's line-up still is not performing up to its potential and we hear that he is dying to make a trade to upgrade his team. There is simply not enough talent on his team to offer up though so a deal is unlikely. We hear that Bateson is doing his best Mexican street vender impersonation to peddle off Antonio Fuzzybrains but is finding no takers.

Shock Doctors

My My. The team is in disarray, not even attempting to make transactions to replace their decimated squad. Where to begin This team really needs everything but a QB. Thomas Jones starting at RB? Oh dear. Where will the help come from? Tony made desperate plea for trades, but what would anyone want except McNabb? Is there a limit on how many transactions a team gets to make each week? Meanwhile, at 1:00 a.m. in Shoreview:

Becca: Tony why is there a duck pecking at our window?
Tony (to the duck): What is it boy?
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack
Tony: Robby said what?
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack Quack, Quack, Quack
Tony: It is not my fault! He's the one who left me with no guidance.
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack, QUACK
Tony: Fine, them I'm giving up. And don't use that tone with me. You tell Robby to get back here.

Bill Walsh All-Stars

The all-stars rebounded nicely from their first defeat to top D's Bitches. Then the injury reports came out and the all-star's starting backfield vanished. Warrick Dunn and Tiki Barber are both out this week. Ricky Williams is in search of Prozac so he can face the media without his helmet on. In the spirit of gauntlet, Bill Walsh warriors need RBs badly. We see none available by the time Roach gets to pick. Fortunately for Roach, Warner looks like the Warner of old, scoring in quantities not seen since the Schwies raided the 10-cent candy shelf at the local Spree Mart. Roach doesn't seem to be much of a trader and we hear that he frequently accuses other owners of trying to rip him off. Who us? We're shocked at the allegation.

Mystery Machine

The Mastery Machine hit a cackling speed bump as the Lennies handled the meddling kids and their pesky dog. Is the real Lamar Smith starting to show up? Suddenly Daunte looks pretty good. While Griese and Rod Smith continue to hook up like Clinton with an intern, 3-Bean found out that having too many of your eggs in one basket is disastrous when the team is shut down. Nonetheless, every team has down weeks so the Mastery Machine will undoubtedly bounce back. But did you have to lose to Lennie?