Rumors
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Week 4

Rumors and Rumblings From Around the League

Armageddon is clearly upon us. Flutie threw for three hundred yards, and Nemo is 2-0. Lennie is now loaded with depth and Brad is scoring under forty points a game. It can only be a matter of time before the Rats roll through the league to the title. Oh wait, the Rats are trading away talent again. Well, some things never change. From deep within our secret volcano bunker, loaded with canned goods and bottled water, we give you rumors and rumblings from around the league this week.

TEAM NEWS

Johnny's Mnuemonics

Okay, we were wrong for mocking Nemo about the Ahman Green trade. It now looks like a steal. And we all knew Manning was the real deal. That said, Nemo seems determined to wreck his karma by pulling a deal. He is burning up the Rats' phone lines trying to acquire Harrison. We hear he is dangling Jamal Anderson and David Boston. Why would the Rats do that deal when they were previously offered Ahman Green? And why is Nemo trading away his depth when his team is rock solid. Why do bad things happen to good fantasy owners? Perhaps the Rats are offering unlimited pizza? Stay tuned, like Shakespearean tragedy, Nemo trades rarely end well for him.

Johnnie Rats

Speaking of the Rats, despite eeking out a close win this week, Monty Hall Davis promptly posted on the chat page that he is offering a fire sale worthy of Petters Warehouse. Harrison is really the only marketable player right now, but he is also the only keeper Davis has. Care to go for what's behind door number four? He would be better served dealing waters and Carter if their value eventually returns. We hear Davis simply loves to deal. No doubt the offers for Harrison are pouring in. We also hear that Harrison may end up in the Ghetto in exchange for Michael Bennett and other considerations. We expect some type of deal this week. Say, is that a shark fin we see over there?

Ragin Asians

Miagi: Ah Chaffee san, as father tell Miagi in Okinawa, ancient healing trick only work one week.
Chaffee: I'm not from Okinawa you bastard! Make them healthy again!
As we predicted early last week, Terrell Davis is a medical time bomb. One day later Terrell was under Bob Smith's knife having knee surgery. Chaffee wisely grabbed Olandis Gary, but who knows which Denver back will get the ball each week? Chaffee should deal Gary while the value is high and stockpile additional draft picks for next year (no it's not too early for this team). LaDanian Tomlinson is the only thing on this team that excites us and he should be untouchable. Everything else should be reduced for immediate sale. Attention fantasy league owners, Chaffee-Mart has a blue light special on injured players in aisle four…

Schwie's Ladies

To modify our favorite prognosticator, the ladies are scoring like hookers at promise keepers' convention. IN other words when it comes to scoring, they ain't. We're finding out Tony Gonzalez's true nickname is T-Gone as in long gone. The Chiefs are a disaster and the fact that Brad has two starters from them can only hurt the team.
Tina: Brad, get off the phone! NOW!
Brad: For the first time in history my team sucks, I need to talk trade.
Brad: (Into the phone) Look, I'll give you may old Mac Laptop and some Mazda stock along with Eddie George for….
Look for Brad to get into the Harrison sweepstakes. Will we see a megadeal involving Eddie George? We hear it may happen. We just hope this situation improves before Brad rubs his upper lip completely off leaving him to look like Mason Verger in Hannibal.

Playerz Club

When will Wes' record drive him to unleash his bitter venom in his power rankings? Stories of broken down vans on 35W, fictional trades to the Rats for hall of famers and Wes' very own special message parlor homo-errotica can't be far away. Wes found out this week why a team needs a good quarterback. We hear that he can no longer wait to pull the trigger on dealing one if his three backs. We give Wes credit for seeing Corey Dillon's maturation before the rest of us, but Stephan Davis is a shell of his former self. Plus, with Jeff George consistently putting the Redskins in the hole each game, the opportunities to run are few and far between. Ah how a year changes things.

D's Bitches

Okay, while engineers never take risks on trades, Wolter's meticulous attention to detail resulted in the nice pick-up of Jerome Pathon. Wolter has two Colts from an offense putting up points like Joe Staiert puts down beer, and almost as easily. "The Edge" is far and away the best player in fantasy football. D is reliving the 98 season when he rode the Terrell Davis one man show to the regular season title. Why trade? Who needs receivers? Did we say last week that Tory Holt was relegating Bruce to second fiddle? SO much for our take.

Lennies

Like a bad bowl of chili, the Lennies continue to linger leaving a fouler and fouler taste in our mouth. Incredibly he is now 2-0. Anyone who blows the draft the way he did does not deserve to be rewarded. Mike Anderson and Kevan Barlow now look like great picks. Worse, we have heard from reliable source that Lenny will get a shot at acquiring Marshall Faulk from a decimated ghetto. The asking price is high, but Lenny clearly has the depth to pull the trigger in acquiring a true stud back to compliment his depth at quarterback and receiver. Say it ain't so! We can hear the hideous cackling from here.

Ghetto Blasters

The ghetto hasn't looked this bad since whitie failed to convict three billie-club wielding cops in L.A. The carnage is everywhere. Now Derek Mason has gone down with an ankle injury. Bernick is the Mike Shanahan of our league minus the offensive genius. All he does is grind his players into the ground. Most of his team is now appearing on milk cartons above the words "Have you seen me?" The only player of value on his roster is Faulk. Bettis is old and about to be replaced. Michael Bennett's blazing speed has allowed him to get tackled at the line that much faster than the average back. The time to deal is now. Say, does Bernick actually have a telephone? Has anyone heard him talk on one? We hear a four player deal is in the works with Leonard IV, but if Faulk is truly on the block, expect several teams to get into the bidding.

Voodoo Daddies

We haven't seen magic like this since the last David Blaine special. Moss and Culpepper continue to spend more time sparring on the sideline than putting up fantasy points. We can hear the multi-colored van from the seventies revving its engine with glee. Zoinks. Wheatley looks like the Wheatley of old, and that ain't a good thing. Unbelievably, Bateson has squeaked through the first two weeks with victories. Now, James Jackson is starting to come around in Cleveland giving Bateson hope for a running game. Bateson also has multiple deals in air as the blood trickling from 0-2 teams fills the waters. We hear the theme from Jaws and screams from the other owners….

Shock Doctors

Rob Wilson to emergency stat. Rob Wilson to emergency stat. This team is in desperate need of a talent transfusion. Dawn Staley is hurt again. Fred "Mr. Durable" Taylor shockingly went down with another injury. Brad Johnson has the arm strength of Abby Bateson but lacks her spiral, rendering Keyshawn useless. There was no help from the waiver wire last week and there is not much available this week. HMMM. The eightball says the outlook is not good. A strange hush has befallen the chat page, as the doctors are strangely silent. Meanwhile, somewhere in Alaska…
Rob: My team is falling apart. I must return to civilization.
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack
Rob: Of course I'll return to complete my training, but my team needs me.
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack
Rob: I know, but Jimmy Smith was gone when we picked.
Duck: Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack
Rob: I'll miss you too…

Bill Walsh All-Stars

Yes Roach failed to pick up a decent RB for his bye week, but the man just had his first kid, everything else doesn't matter. Warner almost led the team to victory anyway. Still, memo to Roach: use the waiver wire. People are starting to think Steve Ellison still owns the team. Oh wait, you actually did change your line-up this week. We hear this team still needs to improve its receiving corps. Schroeder is streaky at best and has too many weeks where he produces nothing. We also are more and more convinced that Tiki Barber was a flash in the pan. Nonetheless, the team looks good overall so there will be very little trade action.

Mystery Machine

Brain Griese is looking like the fantasy MVP so far. Remember, though, he looked that way for five games last year before suffering a shoulder injury so it's a little soon to break out the champagne. Rod Smith looked good without McCaffery, but lets face it, what receiver doesn't look good against the Cardinals. The real test will be this week against the Ravens. We are also not at all sold on Emmitt Smith as a number two RB. As soon as Quincy Carter returns, Emmitt's value will plummet. There is clearly room for improvement on this team. Nonetheless, with the stellar record and high point production there is usually little left on the waiver wire when this quad picks. With Josh too busy to talk trade, it looks as though the big green van will rise and fall with its current roster.