Rumors
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Week 3

Rumors and Rumblings From Around the League

TEAM NEWS

Voodoo Daddies

Every year team owner Dave Bateson fails to draft competent running backs. This year is no different as he snatched up a group of backs that would fight to crack the Nebraska line-up. Making matters worse, Bateson traded Lamar "all I do is score" Smith under fears that he was a one year wonder. We hear that Bateson is working the phone lines to conjure up a another blockbuster trade to help his backfield in between frantic calls to winter park to inquire on Moss's level of interest in this week's opponent.

Johnny's Mnuemonics

We hear that Nemo is actually happy with his team for the first time in years. That is bad news for the group of league owners who regularly fleece Nemo for all of his talent by week three. Team Nemo's only concern is depth with two Bears wide receivers as back-ups. He also must resist his obsession with "hook ups" and avoid silly trades like Ahman Green for Marvin Harrison. A man who listens to his appetites, it remains to be seen if Nemo will actually let his team play the whole year. If he does he may finally be on his way to fantasy greatness.

Mystery Machine

After three years as the Wes Schwie whipping boy, Josh Eschenbach evicted former co-owner Justin Van Hee and took the team in a new direction. He shrugged off league taunting for trading Daunte Culpepper and robbed the Voodoo Daddies of a solid core of players. The Mastery Machine (as we like to call it) is now poised to run roughshod over the league. Still, all is not perfect. While Griese has talent, you'll find healthier wings at the raptor center. The all smith backfield is old enough to trade stories of Little BigHorn. Granted Lamar's legs don't have many miles on them, but neither do my dad's and I'm not building a fantasy team around him. We hear there is major concern, however, that the Denver Bye in Week 16 will cost the team the title. This van still has more octane than a Mazda protégé with Led foot Schwie at the wheel.

Lennies

HMMM. Granted running backs win games in fantasy football, but we think that saying is meant to only apply to quality running backs. The new and unfortunate Marshall Plan is built around quantity not quality. We hear Marshall himself is disgusted with his draft so he apparently retains some semblance of sanity. Perhaps his plan was to corner the RB market and then sell high via trade. Unfortunately, the stable of RBs he assembled is as attractive as a portfolio of dot coms and airline stocks. This team has needs everywhere, ironically most in need of a stud RB. Could a call to the Rats for Ricky Watters be in the making? The rats need multiple backs and Lennie needs one reliable one. Stay tunedŠ

Johnny Rats

The Rats are everyone's favorite target for trades but we give team owner Tim Davis credit for being one of the few owners actually willing to make a trade to try and improve his team. This year's trade(s?) will need to come early because Davis is hamstrung at RB. On draft day several other owners talked him out trading Harrison for Green and, while the year is still young, that looks like a mistake. Perhaps Davis will get another shot at the deal. Otherwise, look for him to unload veteran talent like Cris Carter and Watters for youth or draft picks as he builds for next year. Regardless, we hear that Davis' phone lines will near meltdown as owners call with offers.

Shock Doctors

The magic is dead! Apparently it took both Wilson and Hudoba to run the doctors of rectology. The team's plan to recapture jimmy smith was foiled by the Mystery Machine. Operating on half power, the shock doctors desperately gambled on Freddie Jones. The team is a hodge podge of players with medical histories longer than the residents of Rosepoint nursing home. Fred Taylor is a nick away from missing the rest of the year and Duce Staley looks more like Dawn Staley so far. With no Wilson to spend hours scouring the internet for video from NFL Europe and directing the waiver wire, this will be the year everyone's most hated team drops from the playoffs. With no waiver help imminent, the doctors may actually have to make a trade. The question remains whether anyone will return the calls after five years of taunting other owners.

D's Bitches

There is little activity on the D's Bitches trade front. Engineers like team owner Wolter seldom take the risks necessary to trade. We are dumbfounded by the decision to keep Keenan MacCardell, but when you have "the Edge" you really need very little else. Still, with Tory Holt relegating Ike Bruce to second fiddle, this is another team in need of WR help. There is also a reason that James Stewart's nickname is little man.

Bill Walsh All-Stars

Welcome to the league. Come take all of our talent! With the cushy position afforded new owners, Roach grabbed solid players at every position. Still, we question taking Warrick Dunn over Michael Bennett since they will have similar numbers but Bennett is younger and on a better offense. We also cannot condone drafting Karen Robinson who is making a strong run at Terry Glenn for this years Ms. NFL award. While the starters on this team are solid, Roach better work the beads that everyone stays healthy since the team has less depth than his new son's wading pool.

Ragin Asians

Chaffee apparently knows some Mr. Miagi healing chant since nearly every one of his injured players is now healthy, starting, and producing. Still, with the injury history of his players he cannot rest easy. Chaffee loves to talk trade and will occasionally pull a deal. Look for him to dangle a now healthy Terrell Davis while the market value is high. Hurry, Davis is well on his way to visiting Robert Smith in medical school. He may also want to look for a new QB. We like Trent Green a lot, but half of his receiving core is lame or maimed. With teams triple teaming Gonzo, look for Green's numbers to plummet.

Ghetto Blasters

Attention NFL wide receivers. If you value your legs avoid this team's roster. Team Impoverished Ethnic Minority has succeeded in turning two of the NFL's best receivers into cheerleaders in only one week. Derrick Alexander continues to be hobbled with an Achilles' injury. That snapping you hear isn't Brian Gersich munching a pretzel during poker, it was Ed McCaffery's leg doing its best Joe Theisman impersonation. In addition, Bernick seemed intent on draft night on collecting any QB who plays for a run first pass second offense. That may win real football games but it does nothing for a fantasy team. The Rats will win the title before either Flutie or Brad Johnson passes for 300 yards again. This team needs Fantasy Football Food Stamps. Bernick is notorious for avoiding trades, but he needs to deal one if his running backs for depth at WR and QB. We hear that even Marshall Faulk may be available if Bernick's record continues to rest below the poverty line.

Playerz Club

Wes Schwie followed brother Brad's mantra on RBs by keeping three. Doing so cost him depth at other positions and he is stuck with Elvis Grbac, Rob Johnson, and Kordell Stewart at QB. Yeesh. Still, along with the Ghetto Blasters, Wes has the most trade bait to work with. Unfortunately, Wes rarely pulls the trigger on a deal, always certain that something better will come along later. If he can milk enough out of his QBs he can survive, but he also needs an upgrade at WR. Tim Brown is old enough to remember Lou Holtz's coherent days and Darrell Jackson? Say, is Stephen Davis still in the NFL?

Schwie's Ladies

Brad Schwie rarely tips his hand on trades. Still, we can hear the friction from his chin and lip rubbing as his team stumbled out of the gates. Eddie George looked more like Hershel Walker in week one, tiptoeing up to the line. Perhaps the best assessment on George's prospects in that Schwie, a shrewd evaluator of talent, tried to trade George multiple times before the draft. Schwie is also stuck with Eric Moulds. It's not Moulds' fault that Rob Johnson and Alex Van Pelt have the talent of former TG star Brian Davis (and his durability as well). Unlike the other engineers in the league, Brad is a risk taker and we expect some trade action in the next few weeks as he rights the ship. If he offered up Eddie George, he may be able to pry both Harrison and Watters away from the Rats.

How about Tiki Barber disappearing. Schwie called him a "flash in the pan" recently and it appears he's right. The Giants are finished, and looks like Ricky Watters is losing ground to Shaun Alexander. Holy Kleinsasser!